Lifelines for Grief

In the early days, weeks, months, years of grief, grappling with what life-altering event happened can leave you breathless and helpless, especially if you’ve never prior experienced a kind of immeasurable depth of loss. When I lost my best friend/soulmate (my mom) 5 years ago, I did not know many people, let alone friends/peers, who lost their mother at a young age. In my greatest sorrow (as a caregiver and afterwards), I scoured for, and was recommended, resources that validated my feelings, let me know that I wasn’t alone, and attempted to give articulation to all that I felt. Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there’s a time to mourn—if you are in that season, consider these accessible ways to (in the most simple of terms, for me) survive. I know that grief is forever lived with so even after this acute season, these are lifelines for as long as I shall live.

Faith — God is faithful and a great sustainer! I’m standing today because of my conviction in God’s dominion over everything being stronger than my anger and confusion in grief. The Bible tells you what you need to know, not necessarily what you want—there are verses and Christian truths that comforted me, were painful to swallow, and helped breathe meaning to life. Texts that helped me include: “Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow” by Nancy Guthrie, books of Job and Psalms, James 1, Romans 8:28, 2 Timothy 4:7-8, 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, and Isaiah 57:1-2

Instagram — Social media helped me in ways that I couldn’t imagine. What can be used as a platform for draining and negative comparison became a formidable tool of comparison in the most tender of ways. I often found comfort—and not in a “pain is pleasure” kind of way—in searching through grief pages and grief-specific hashtags (depending on who you lost). Reading through incredible stories and seeing images of enduring love, tributes, and honesty was beautiful and let me know that I wasn’t the only one going through what I am going through. Some of my favorite pages were personal pages and also the following hashtags/public pages: #MotherlessDaughter(s) (I’m not entirely a fan of this label but I find most grief-specific posts there), #MotherLoss, @TheThingAboutGrief, @Grief2Hope, and @TheImaginaryLibrary

Journaling — The most important thing I could do for myself was write. I was a fan of journaling before this (I’ve casually kept a journal since I was 5) but writing about grief was a unique saving grace. Early on, I got advice to ‘just write everything’; it seemed trivial and almost offensive at the time (how would I forget ANYTHING about my mom?), but my goodness, how merciless the human brain and memory can be. Lists, writing prompts, stories, events: nothing is too small or seemingly minor to make note of. Journaling is the most cathartic process and a gift that keeps on giving.

Texts — Nothing like language to encapsulate the messiness, beauty, etc. of everything. I spent a great deal of time reading and exploring all of this world I was suddenly flung into. From lists on Thought Catalog to books to greeting cards to articles, I read up on nearly every facet of being a caregiver and eventually, mourner. There were some I extremely identified with, some that were practical and helpful, and others that I didn’t connect with or find myself in at all. Some websites and books that I owe much to, include: ModernLoss.com, WhatsYourGrief.com, ThoughtCatalog.com (search relevant key terms), and “Healing After Loss” by Martha Whitmore Hickman

Music — Lastly, leave it to me to make a playlist for everything! In the immediate and afterward of my mom’s passing, I couldn’t bother doing pretty much ANYTHING, let alone listen to/enjoy music. Psssh. Where music did especially come in handy to me was while she was ill. A mix of gospel (of American stylings and Ethiopian Orthodox), and inspirational music of other genres, kept me as positive as I could possibly be. Music can be healing, so consider having a playlist of songs to turn to as a soundtrack for the season and getting you in the space to just go about your day. Some songs that literally did that for me are:

• The Battle is Not Yours – Yolanda Adams
• My Help – Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir
• Let Your Power Fall – James Fortune/Zacardi Cortez
• Encourage Yourself – Donald Lawrence
• He Has His Hands on You – Marvin Sapp
• In The Middle – Isaac Carree
• Put it on the Altar – Jessica Reedy
• I Need Your Glory – Earnest Pugh
• The Blood Will Never Lose its Power – Smokie Norful
• Selame Bante New – Deacon Endalkachew Dagnew
• Alew Neger – Zerfe Kebede
• Jesus Take the Wheel – Carrie Underwood
• Blessing in the Storm – Kirk Franklin
• He’s Able – Kirk Franklin
• He’ll Take the Pain Away – Kirk Franklin
• Alferam – Deacon Tamrat Haile
• It Ain’t Over – Maurette Brown Clark
• I Trust You – James Fortune

I hope and pray my forever unfolding experience will help someone else. Please share and also share with me!